Meditations on Camels Part I

Pondering the question about change I answered on my previous post, I began to remember another major change I made in my life many years ago. As I near my start date I feel the most difficult part of the mission will be to gain some kind of control and discipline over my eating habits. Eating has been as issue since I was 5 years old. Working out will not be too difficult. I actually enjoy it. The hardest part of working out for me is simply taking the first step. That usually means reaching over and tapping the alarm at five in the morning. But once up I am usually good to go, as long as I haven't stayed up too late. But smart nutritional choices is what will be the hardest for me. As I prepare for a lifestyle change in a few days (just over a week now), I am considering how best to approach this relationship I have with food. My mind wanders to another change I made many years ago: quitting smoking. Is almost too faint now just how hard it was for me to quit smoking.

I began when I was about 16 or 17 years old and it was fairly easy to get into since my mom and dad both smoked. Many a trip in the car was spent breathing the cloudy exhalations of my parents who only cracked the window to push out a spent butt to light up again. So the transition to smoking was easy for me when I got older. As I entered my teen years I was part of the "headbanger" crowd in high school, so what began as a social experiment and a simple way to feel cool around friends became a habit and an addiction. Compared to those around me, I don't think I was a super heavy smoker, probably 1/2 to 1 pack a day and maybe more if we were partying. But I continued on into early adulthood, often making friends and acquaintances with those that I would huddle with outside at school or work who were also on a smoke break.

Interestingly enough, my girlfriend (who would eventually marry me) somehow looked beyond that nasty part of me and indulged me with the occasional date. I think about it now and wonder how? She can smell cigarette smoke from a mile away and has a true dislike of the habit. I'm guessing it was my rugged good looks and manly physique : ) I cannot imagine kissing, you know really kissing, a smoker especially if you don't yourself. It must be comparable to tipping back and munching on an ashtray full of ashes and butts.

I enjoyed the fact that smoking was a great appetite supressant. It was during those years when I was probably in the best "shape" of my life. Smoking kept me from being bored and eating as much. After we married, my wife urged me to quit but was never rude or condescending about it. She just kept pressing me over and over and over and over and over and over... In part, she was concerned about my health but she was more concerned with the money it cost when we could barely afford to put food on the table and I was out buying Camels instead of milk. I was in college at the time and bills were extremely tight. It was not unusual for us to have to make 10 or 20 dollars stretch between paychecks. But I got to the point when I realized that despite the cost (cigarette prices were going up exponentially due to the lawsuits against the big tobacco companies) I just needed to quit for my health and for the example to my children. It would definitely please my wife too! I always laugh at one comedian Dennis Leary's joke about smoking when he exclaimed, "What the &%$# is up with light cigarettes? Light cigarettes?! Are you kidding me? I guess that's for people who only want to get light cancer." The manufacturers ended up having to change the warning on cigarette packages. I would read that and know that my quit date would soon arrive.

Wow. I'm going on here for awhile. So what?! Its my blog dammit! I'll go ahead and stop here for now.

Talk with you soon.

T-Minus 7 days

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year!!

Talk with you soon!

T-Minus 10 days

Reading BFL Again

Please Note: Due to the nature of today's blog this post will run a bit longer.

I'm a high-school English teacher by profession. I have been teaching for twelve years. After teaching for a few years, I was approached by the school's head football coach to join as a freshman coach. I had never had an inclination to coach, but I was a fan of the game and had dabbled in the sport when I was in high school (a serious motorcycle accident had forced me to stop playing early in my 10th grade year). I joined the coaching staff and spent five great years coaching. The point is that while there one of the coaches had given me a couple of Body-for-Life videos after I explained to him that I was looking for a way to lose a few pounds.

Watching the videos, I was duly impressed with the sensibility of the BFL program. I was also impressed with the positive message it conveyed. Shortly thereafter, I went out and bought the BFL book. The short book is very readable and is more detailed than the videos and got me thinking that I might try and complete a 12-week BFL regimen.

I'm not going to tell you that you should run out and buy this book, but it is the guide I will be using and will refer to often during the next few weeks. I am going to answer some questions that the book asks of the reader in the opening chapter. My responses will be frank.

Have you made the decision to change?

Yes. A resounding yes. I made the decision many months ago. (Like many other times when dealing with food/weight issues I have not completed my goals. But I'm not going to dwell on the negative here.)

What are your reasons for making the decision to change?

I feel that if I look better on the outside, I'll feel better on the inside. I am sure that there are many thin people out there who are not happy with things in their life. I would argue, however, that people who make conscious (read healthy) choices deal with issues in their life much more effectively. But my weight and food issues go so far back and are so intertwined with who I am on the inside, that I think I can really change myself in a positive way if I choose a healthier lifestyle. I have always romanticized a healthier way of living. Heck, I've tried it for short periods of time and have felt much, much better. And I know this, that not a single waking hour of my life goes by without a thought of what life might be like with a healthy, in-shape body.

When you look at yourself, do you honestly like what you see?

I do not like what I see. I have not been truly comfortable with my body ever. The weird thing is, I don't always recognize myself for the obese person that I am. If you're carrying extra weight, you know exactly what I'm talking about. When you see a picture or a video of yourself and your like, "Jesus. Is that what I look like?" I always look at pictures of myself and cringe but try to justify how I look with thoughts like, "Well, for a big guy I hold my weight pretty well." or "I don't look like I weigh 340 pounds." or "Well, I'll be starting a new program soon." or "This won't last forever." The three photos I have posted above are a real good shot of me in all my shirtless and hairy glory. I've looked at them a few times, but just now I paused this blog to pull them up on my computer screen while I write this. I really do not see that when I look in the mirror. But when I look at those pictures its like I'm looking at someone else. Is that me? Am I really that obese? If I looked at someone else's pictures and saw that I would say, "Wow. They're really heavy!"

How do you feel deep down inside?

Interestingly, right now I'm feeling somewhat skeptical. I've been here before several times. Deep down, I know I want to change so bad. On the previous BFL program I made it through 8 weeks. I was derailed somewhat by a severe cold and a nagging shoulder injury. That was several months ago. I'm not making excuses, but just pointing out that it happened and I let it be an excuse for why I didn't need to continue. I think on some level I'm scared of losing the "comfort" that food has provided me for almost my entire life. If there was one thing I could count on, it was food. If I was experiencing an emotion of any kind, I could always turn to food to make me "feel" better. If I am bored, well make something to eat.

How do you really feel about yourself?

I am not in the best place. I've been feeling unmotivated in many areas of my life, listless even. I find myself sitting around much more lately and not getting things done. Things I have read have stated that my low energy levels might be a direct result of how I'm treating my body. I'm beating around the bush here anf though its hard to say, I am unhappy with myself and my body and it carries over into most aspects of my life. I am currently questioning my career and if I want to continue the career path I am on. My stress levels during the past couple of years have been incredibly high. I have battled with bouts of depression and anxiety. Regardless of how noble a profession, I'm a high school teacher which ranks as hands down one of the most stressful jobs out there!

I am at a really interesting point in my life. I am one year away from 40. That doesn't bother me like I thought it would, but I have noted that I am near what many consider a major milestone in their lives. Remember when you were a kid and you would observe your parents at this age and say, "You're soooo much older than me!" Well, you probably wouldn't say it out loud, but you'd think it. Funny thing is, I don't feel old. Well... let me correct that. I don't "think" old, but I do "feel" old. I am beginning to feel aches and pains a bit more, some of it might be age but I know most of it is the excess amount of weight I carry around with me.

Are you confident, energetic, and strong?

No. I can't even elaborate here. I have moments, flashes of these things but no consistency.

Do you often wonder if you are on the right path?

I think I alluded to it above. But yeah, I think this a lot. I am thankful for a great many things: a beautiful, patient, and caring wife who is my best friend, two great kids who are sooo in their teenage years, a stable career albeit beyond stressful at least 3 days a week. The best way to explain it is this: I'm on a path but there's a lot of stones sticking out, and I'm not wearing shoes, and its like 130 degrees, and I'm carrying three times the things that I should be carrying, and I'm out of shape, and there is sweat in my eyes and I can't reach my handkerchief. The path is this deep rut that I'm having to walk in because I've settled in like a marble. But I look a several yards over and there is another path, going in the same direction and it really looks a heck of a lot easier to walk on. And its occasionally shaded. And there is a cool fresh water stream running next to it. Do you know what I mean?

What are the pros and cons of continuing in the direction you're going?

There are no pros really. I cannot see any benefit to continuing the destructive path that my current body inhabits. The pros are many.

Would you like to create a brighter future?

Is this a rhetorical question? Some of you might appreciate this humor. But yes I would. It is, as Bill Phillips knows (the author of the BFL program), a question that is inherently seeking a positive answer. It is the kind of question you want to ask as you prepare for better living. Yes. Yes. Yes. It is an acknowledgement of better things to come!

So here's the deal: One thing that I have noticed as I peruse the web for the stories of people who have achieved their weight loss/fitness goals beside their smiling faces, is that they wrote their goals down and managed their progress in writing. I believe that any serious weight loss, fitness endeavor or life change should begin by asking some important introspective questions of oneself. I've gone through this questioning process before and I will continue to assess and reassess myself IN WRITING as I move toward my goals. It is my decision to make this the last time I restart questions at the start of a new endeavor. From this point on, I choose only to wave back at the person I once was. I doubt that it will be easy, but I am hopeful that I will get to a point where the benefits of the challenge will outweigh the difficulties of the process it took to get there. As far as writing the mission down, journaling or blogging is one way, or you can simply use a spiral notebook and a pen. You know, old school! However you decide to do it, take the time to get your thoughts down IN WRITING and refer to it frequently. Go back and read about where you were and contrast it with your current progress.

Another thing on my mind is that this mission will not have an end. (Well, not true. We will all meet our maker eventually, but you know what I mean.) I've decided to make a permanent change in my life and once I do, I do it as long as I take a breath. I guess that is what is meant by lifestyle change. What am I getting my self into?

Talk with you soon.

T-Minus 11 Days

The Permanent Mission Begins

Hi there. My name is Andrew. I am posting three photos of myself in different poses as a starting point and a visual reference for myself as I prepare to embark on a mission of weight loss and healthier lifestyle choices. What that precisely means at this point I cannot say. 

But I do have some goals:

1. Complete a Body-for-Life 12 week cycle to get me off to a good start, and to begin a new way of life 

2. Permanent weight loss, permanent fitness (no more up and down, starting and re-starting diets and workouts, no more eating as a result of stress, guilt, boredom, etc.)

3. Lose body fat and look better

4. Eat healthier and make healthier choices about what I put in my body

5. Be an example to my children that I can follow through with my health goals

6. Buy nice clothes in a reasonable size. No more Big and Tall

7. Be more active and my family such as taking walks with my wife, camping, hiking, 5K's, etc

8. Use weight loss as a catalyst to other improvements in my life such as more energy, more focus, a clearer mind, sleep better, and overall improved quality of life

8. Help others who might have similar goals. This is what BFL calls the Law of Universal Reciprocation

I am ready to make changes. I will begin on Thursday, January 1st, 2009, the first day of the New Year.

I will spend some time later perhaps recounting my weight history but I will say for now: I have been overweight for many years. When I was young, being overweight was difficult because we all know that kids can be cruel. I did manage to reach a decent weight of 185-200 lbs. in my very late teens and early 20's. But as I moved into my 30's I slowly began to gain weight. I have battled constantly with the guilt and negative energy associated with constant weight gain and loss, battled with my self-image, and lack of confidence. As I approach 40 (next year) I have decided that enough is enough! I am tired of being overweight and tired of the constant up and down that I fight in many areas of my life. It is my belief that much of the stress I deal with and the "low" periods are a direct result of what and how much I eat and what it is doing to my body. 

During this mission, I will be reading about what others have already done. I've already found some blogs that are really informative and inspiring. In particular, Mr. Low Body Fat's blog and Lynn's Weight-Loss Journey are two that I have provided me with a bit of a starting point and a realization that it can be done. I've also read the Body-for-Life book and been to their website. The BFL program seems sensible to me and I will be using that program as a starting point.

For those of you who are interested, I took the title of my blog from a song from one of my favorite groups. The Canadian rock group Rush has a song titled "Mission" on their Hold Your Fire album. It reminds me of what I'm doing and had me thinking about some of the blogs I've been reading and the missions that many people have already taken: 

Hold your fire,

Keep it burning bright

Hold the flame 'till the dream ignites

A spirit with a vision is a dream with a mission

I hear their passionate music

Read the words that touch my heart

I gaze at their feverish pictures

The secrets that set them apart

When I feel the powerful visions

Their fire has made alive

I wish I had that instinct

I wish I had that drive

I will have that instinct and I will have that drive. I think that these lyrics are an appropriate end to this first blog. 

Talk with you soon.

T-Minus 13 days