Day One

T-Minus 0 days!!

So it begins...

A healthier lifestyle is something that I've always dreamed about. There is something romantic about it. I fantasize that one day I will, among other things, make smart food choices not because I'm trying to lose weight but because that's the way it is; that I'll have the moxie to just exist within a healthy lifestyle that at this point seems so challenging to my self-control; that I can wear nice clothes that fit and not choose my wardrobe based on what hides my weight most effectively.

And that is why today I began my mission to realize that dream. And it feels good. I feel much better than I did on my last post, that's fo sho!.

So today I went shopping and picked up a few things. Well, a lot of things. I made a list for the full week and every meal that I would be eating: veggies, chicken, fish, a little fruit. It seems that most of the weight loss and fitness success stories I've read had this in common. I am pulling my recipes from the Body for Life book, a Martha Stewart cookbook, and Tosca Reno's Eating Clean books. I feel like I will be better able to reach my goals if I plan it all and write it down, and following these menus seems like a good place to start.

So today, here's what I ate and how I worked out:

Breakfast
Lowfat Greek Yogurt w/4 Tbs of leftover cranberry sauce
H20

Midmeal
20 raw cashews
1 Pear

Lunch
1 Cashew cookie Larabar (these are tasty)
H20

Dinner
Xtra Large salad w/ tons of veggies, apple slices, a scant of dried cranberries, and feta cheese
1 Perrier
After dinner herbal tea w/ non-fat milk

Workout
My wife and I also went to the gym and did an upper body workout which took about an hour. It was a good workout and my muscles are feeling it. I have worked out off and on for the past few weeks, so I will not have "first-workout" sore muscles.

Talk with you soon!

The New Year is Here

The New Year is upon us and though it is a time for new beginnings, I am feeling a bit of trepidation about the goals I have set for myself. I’ve been in this place so many times before that I cannot say with any confidence that I will be successful. I know that my issues with food/weight run deeper than just simply eating. I battle with anxiety and depression as well. However, I am hopeful that healthier nutritional choices, regular workouts, and the thought that goes into it (like keeping and assessing this blog as a record of my progress) will give me the energy, strength, and confidence to most effectively approach other issues in my life. I guess what I am realizing is that I will have to work hard to get the things I want and to find the answers to some of those questions I answered in my first blog. Many might argue that this is not the best attitude to begin a new “program” but I cannot hide how I am feeling. In fact, it makes me feel good knowing that I am being honest with myself. I know that I will not achieve my goals easily, but I am ready to work at it. One day at a time.

I’m new to blogging but I want to thank the people whose blogs I have been reading over the past several days, some of whose links appear here on my blog, for the inspiration to record my mission.

I hope that all of you out there in net-land have a prosperous and healthy New Year!!

Talk with you soon!

T-Minus 3 days

Meditations on Camels Part II

Money made me fat. I’ll explain.

It took me about three times in two years to quit smoking Camel Lights, but fourteen years later I am smoke free, proud of it, and know that I will never smoke again. It was not easy at first but it was not that hard either. The result of my effort is that I gained a lot of weight after quitting and have steadily weighed more ever since. That and age have not done justice to my midsection at all. When I smoked it was easy to not eat as much because it replaced the addiction that I had with food. In retrospect, quitting smoking was challenging but totally doable because I can survive without it. But eating is trickier, because we have to eat.

When I think back on my addiction to cigarettes, or nicotine, or whatever else they put in those damn things I realize that I have had an addiction to food for the better part of my entire life. This is not uncommon for people who are severely overweight. It began when I was five years old (I remember vividly the exact moment) and continues as I write this. Besides food, I am also addicted to caffeine in the form of diet sodas. I have not had a day without a diet soda in probably 5-7 years. Some drink coffee when they start their day... I drink diet soda. Like many of you, I have tried many different programs to remedy my food addictions and weight issues: living with my dad the disciplinarian, Dr. Gault's God's Diet, (I have strong faith in God but I don't even come close to the conservative right. Gault was my mom's doctor and she wrote the book), Atkins, and Body-for-Life to mention a few. Though I do not follow a 12-Step program, I am familiar with it because my mom was in AA for many years and I did a 2-week stint with Overeaters Anonymous a few years ago. I have learned that people who are disposed to addictions but stop often transfer their addictions to other things- drugs, smoking, relationships, caffeine, sex, etc.

Not surprisingly, people can have multiple addictions. It seems that as humans we have a tendency toward addictions. I do not think it was always this way. I think it was brought on by industrialization and money. If I may relate a conversation my brother and I had at Thanksgiving: we live at a time in history where we are fed so easily because of the technology of industrialization. We have the ability to deliver processed foods to people so quickly and conveniently, and in the process we have compromised the quality of the food we consume. We load foods with things that are the cheapest to produce (flours and sugars) and which will keep them on the shelf for maximum life and “taste better” (preservatives and chemicals). Scientists (read: money hungry corporations and their investors) can make shit taste like filet mignon if they want to. And all of this leads to maximum dollars! Society is fed a constant stream of messages that promote a variety of addictions. Buy this, smoke this, eat this, drink this, watch this, read this. We are inundated with advertisements and messages of consumption well in excess of dozens if not 100’s of messages a day. All because we are addicted to money. I love money as much as the next person but I think you understand the vicious cycle that industrialization has created. And it permeates every nook and cranny of our consciousness, to the point that we don’t recognize or understand it. Medicine, the media, sports, education, government, are all on some level affected by the addiction we have to money. Money has made us fat.


The word addiction connotes negativity, but I wonder if addictions can be positive or can be transferred to something positive? I mean, what if rather than binging on cookies I pick up my guitar until the cravings pass and become a better musician? Or rather than eating snacks I read a book that deepens my understanding of the world? What if instead of stopping for a “snack” #3 supersized at the drive through at McDonalds I pontificate in a blog entry and work through a difficult food decision? Instead of vegging on the couch, I can take a walk with my wife and discuss the day. Perhaps "bad" addictions are transformed into "good" addictions and become hobbies or endeavors or diversions from unhealthy activity in our lives.

Seems fairly simple for those who are addicted to working out or eating healthy food, but for the rest of us it’s like… duh. But hey, one man’s duh is another man’s epiphany.

Hmmmm. Can one be addicted to not being addicted to something? I’d like to be addicted to not being addicted to overeating.

There seems to be a bit of a fine line here. Some people might not think these activities are necessarily addictions, but People might consider some of these activities harmless endeavors or hobbies or goals. But if you take the time to really look at Maybe addictions can be positive if the result is a benefit to the person.


I think I might transform my food addiction into something positive.

Talk with you soon!

T-Minus 5 days

Go Vikings

Guess who's playing for a playoff spot and the division? Good luck to the Vikings who play against the Giants at home. The game begins in exactly 2.5 hours. Got my fingers crossed!!

Update: They won!!

Talk with you soon!

T-Minus 6 days

Meditations on Camels Part I

Pondering the question about change I answered on my previous post, I began to remember another major change I made in my life many years ago. As I near my start date I feel the most difficult part of the mission will be to gain some kind of control and discipline over my eating habits. Eating has been as issue since I was 5 years old. Working out will not be too difficult. I actually enjoy it. The hardest part of working out for me is simply taking the first step. That usually means reaching over and tapping the alarm at five in the morning. But once up I am usually good to go, as long as I haven't stayed up too late. But smart nutritional choices is what will be the hardest for me. As I prepare for a lifestyle change in a few days (just over a week now), I am considering how best to approach this relationship I have with food. My mind wanders to another change I made many years ago: quitting smoking. Is almost too faint now just how hard it was for me to quit smoking.

I began when I was about 16 or 17 years old and it was fairly easy to get into since my mom and dad both smoked. Many a trip in the car was spent breathing the cloudy exhalations of my parents who only cracked the window to push out a spent butt to light up again. So the transition to smoking was easy for me when I got older. As I entered my teen years I was part of the "headbanger" crowd in high school, so what began as a social experiment and a simple way to feel cool around friends became a habit and an addiction. Compared to those around me, I don't think I was a super heavy smoker, probably 1/2 to 1 pack a day and maybe more if we were partying. But I continued on into early adulthood, often making friends and acquaintances with those that I would huddle with outside at school or work who were also on a smoke break.

Interestingly enough, my girlfriend (who would eventually marry me) somehow looked beyond that nasty part of me and indulged me with the occasional date. I think about it now and wonder how? She can smell cigarette smoke from a mile away and has a true dislike of the habit. I'm guessing it was my rugged good looks and manly physique : ) I cannot imagine kissing, you know really kissing, a smoker especially if you don't yourself. It must be comparable to tipping back and munching on an ashtray full of ashes and butts.

I enjoyed the fact that smoking was a great appetite supressant. It was during those years when I was probably in the best "shape" of my life. Smoking kept me from being bored and eating as much. After we married, my wife urged me to quit but was never rude or condescending about it. She just kept pressing me over and over and over and over and over and over... In part, she was concerned about my health but she was more concerned with the money it cost when we could barely afford to put food on the table and I was out buying Camels instead of milk. I was in college at the time and bills were extremely tight. It was not unusual for us to have to make 10 or 20 dollars stretch between paychecks. But I got to the point when I realized that despite the cost (cigarette prices were going up exponentially due to the lawsuits against the big tobacco companies) I just needed to quit for my health and for the example to my children. It would definitely please my wife too! I always laugh at one comedian Dennis Leary's joke about smoking when he exclaimed, "What the &%$# is up with light cigarettes? Light cigarettes?! Are you kidding me? I guess that's for people who only want to get light cancer." The manufacturers ended up having to change the warning on cigarette packages. I would read that and know that my quit date would soon arrive.

Wow. I'm going on here for awhile. So what?! Its my blog dammit! I'll go ahead and stop here for now.

Talk with you soon.

T-Minus 7 days

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year!!

Talk with you soon!

T-Minus 10 days

Reading BFL Again

Please Note: Due to the nature of today's blog this post will run a bit longer.

I'm a high-school English teacher by profession. I have been teaching for twelve years. After teaching for a few years, I was approached by the school's head football coach to join as a freshman coach. I had never had an inclination to coach, but I was a fan of the game and had dabbled in the sport when I was in high school (a serious motorcycle accident had forced me to stop playing early in my 10th grade year). I joined the coaching staff and spent five great years coaching. The point is that while there one of the coaches had given me a couple of Body-for-Life videos after I explained to him that I was looking for a way to lose a few pounds.

Watching the videos, I was duly impressed with the sensibility of the BFL program. I was also impressed with the positive message it conveyed. Shortly thereafter, I went out and bought the BFL book. The short book is very readable and is more detailed than the videos and got me thinking that I might try and complete a 12-week BFL regimen.

I'm not going to tell you that you should run out and buy this book, but it is the guide I will be using and will refer to often during the next few weeks. I am going to answer some questions that the book asks of the reader in the opening chapter. My responses will be frank.

Have you made the decision to change?

Yes. A resounding yes. I made the decision many months ago. (Like many other times when dealing with food/weight issues I have not completed my goals. But I'm not going to dwell on the negative here.)

What are your reasons for making the decision to change?

I feel that if I look better on the outside, I'll feel better on the inside. I am sure that there are many thin people out there who are not happy with things in their life. I would argue, however, that people who make conscious (read healthy) choices deal with issues in their life much more effectively. But my weight and food issues go so far back and are so intertwined with who I am on the inside, that I think I can really change myself in a positive way if I choose a healthier lifestyle. I have always romanticized a healthier way of living. Heck, I've tried it for short periods of time and have felt much, much better. And I know this, that not a single waking hour of my life goes by without a thought of what life might be like with a healthy, in-shape body.

When you look at yourself, do you honestly like what you see?

I do not like what I see. I have not been truly comfortable with my body ever. The weird thing is, I don't always recognize myself for the obese person that I am. If you're carrying extra weight, you know exactly what I'm talking about. When you see a picture or a video of yourself and your like, "Jesus. Is that what I look like?" I always look at pictures of myself and cringe but try to justify how I look with thoughts like, "Well, for a big guy I hold my weight pretty well." or "I don't look like I weigh 340 pounds." or "Well, I'll be starting a new program soon." or "This won't last forever." The three photos I have posted above are a real good shot of me in all my shirtless and hairy glory. I've looked at them a few times, but just now I paused this blog to pull them up on my computer screen while I write this. I really do not see that when I look in the mirror. But when I look at those pictures its like I'm looking at someone else. Is that me? Am I really that obese? If I looked at someone else's pictures and saw that I would say, "Wow. They're really heavy!"

How do you feel deep down inside?

Interestingly, right now I'm feeling somewhat skeptical. I've been here before several times. Deep down, I know I want to change so bad. On the previous BFL program I made it through 8 weeks. I was derailed somewhat by a severe cold and a nagging shoulder injury. That was several months ago. I'm not making excuses, but just pointing out that it happened and I let it be an excuse for why I didn't need to continue. I think on some level I'm scared of losing the "comfort" that food has provided me for almost my entire life. If there was one thing I could count on, it was food. If I was experiencing an emotion of any kind, I could always turn to food to make me "feel" better. If I am bored, well make something to eat.

How do you really feel about yourself?

I am not in the best place. I've been feeling unmotivated in many areas of my life, listless even. I find myself sitting around much more lately and not getting things done. Things I have read have stated that my low energy levels might be a direct result of how I'm treating my body. I'm beating around the bush here anf though its hard to say, I am unhappy with myself and my body and it carries over into most aspects of my life. I am currently questioning my career and if I want to continue the career path I am on. My stress levels during the past couple of years have been incredibly high. I have battled with bouts of depression and anxiety. Regardless of how noble a profession, I'm a high school teacher which ranks as hands down one of the most stressful jobs out there!

I am at a really interesting point in my life. I am one year away from 40. That doesn't bother me like I thought it would, but I have noted that I am near what many consider a major milestone in their lives. Remember when you were a kid and you would observe your parents at this age and say, "You're soooo much older than me!" Well, you probably wouldn't say it out loud, but you'd think it. Funny thing is, I don't feel old. Well... let me correct that. I don't "think" old, but I do "feel" old. I am beginning to feel aches and pains a bit more, some of it might be age but I know most of it is the excess amount of weight I carry around with me.

Are you confident, energetic, and strong?

No. I can't even elaborate here. I have moments, flashes of these things but no consistency.

Do you often wonder if you are on the right path?

I think I alluded to it above. But yeah, I think this a lot. I am thankful for a great many things: a beautiful, patient, and caring wife who is my best friend, two great kids who are sooo in their teenage years, a stable career albeit beyond stressful at least 3 days a week. The best way to explain it is this: I'm on a path but there's a lot of stones sticking out, and I'm not wearing shoes, and its like 130 degrees, and I'm carrying three times the things that I should be carrying, and I'm out of shape, and there is sweat in my eyes and I can't reach my handkerchief. The path is this deep rut that I'm having to walk in because I've settled in like a marble. But I look a several yards over and there is another path, going in the same direction and it really looks a heck of a lot easier to walk on. And its occasionally shaded. And there is a cool fresh water stream running next to it. Do you know what I mean?

What are the pros and cons of continuing in the direction you're going?

There are no pros really. I cannot see any benefit to continuing the destructive path that my current body inhabits. The pros are many.

Would you like to create a brighter future?

Is this a rhetorical question? Some of you might appreciate this humor. But yes I would. It is, as Bill Phillips knows (the author of the BFL program), a question that is inherently seeking a positive answer. It is the kind of question you want to ask as you prepare for better living. Yes. Yes. Yes. It is an acknowledgement of better things to come!

So here's the deal: One thing that I have noticed as I peruse the web for the stories of people who have achieved their weight loss/fitness goals beside their smiling faces, is that they wrote their goals down and managed their progress in writing. I believe that any serious weight loss, fitness endeavor or life change should begin by asking some important introspective questions of oneself. I've gone through this questioning process before and I will continue to assess and reassess myself IN WRITING as I move toward my goals. It is my decision to make this the last time I restart questions at the start of a new endeavor. From this point on, I choose only to wave back at the person I once was. I doubt that it will be easy, but I am hopeful that I will get to a point where the benefits of the challenge will outweigh the difficulties of the process it took to get there. As far as writing the mission down, journaling or blogging is one way, or you can simply use a spiral notebook and a pen. You know, old school! However you decide to do it, take the time to get your thoughts down IN WRITING and refer to it frequently. Go back and read about where you were and contrast it with your current progress.

Another thing on my mind is that this mission will not have an end. (Well, not true. We will all meet our maker eventually, but you know what I mean.) I've decided to make a permanent change in my life and once I do, I do it as long as I take a breath. I guess that is what is meant by lifestyle change. What am I getting my self into?

Talk with you soon.

T-Minus 11 Days